I decided to sit down early and write about Clarissa Mae's birth before I forget most of what happened. Crazy to think you could forget details about yourself giving birth...but I am a firm believer that once baby is here, most of our memories of the aches and pains of pregnancy and delivery are erased as part of our Heavenly Father's plan to get us to have more kids :) It's easy to forget things when all you see in front of you is a darling little 6 pound baby just wanting to be kissed and snuggled! So here we go. Keep in mind, this IS a birthing story, so I am at liberty to say whatever I want! ;)
From the day I knew I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to have a natural labor and delivery, no medication, just the clarity of my own mind and body doing what it needed to do as naturally as possible. That was a big step for me since Nate and I would be away from home and family, across the country, and looking only to each other for support and encouragement. My sister Karlie thankfully living out here was a huge help and support system, since no one in the rest of our families really "behind" natural childbirth like we were. Not that they were against it, but you really need people who are gung-ho about it to draw encouragement from. I took a hypnobirthing class that I absolutely loved and would recommend to anyone who asked me! It taught me to relax and be calm, even in my day to day living, and trained me for my sweet baby's birth with breathing techniques and relaxation help. Anyone interested in the method feel free to ask me more, I could go on all day. But to save time and space, I'll move on.
Labor for me started in the early 3rd trimester you could say. I had been having contractions all day every day, but never consistanly. Just enough to irritate. So when I reached my 36 week mark and went into my Midwife's office to check progress, I fully expected to see some pretty great results! With Carter, at this point in time I was already dilated 3 centimeters and 80% effaced. So you can imagine my devastation to learn that I was NOT dilated at all and my cervix was "soft" but clearly not effaced any either. Wow. This pregnancy not having been a picnic like it was with Carter, I cried my eyes out and felt so sad for the rest of the day! That feeling when you think you may be pregnant forever? Miserable. Another week rolled by, now to 37, and the same thing happened! No progress! I took things a little better this week around because I had come to grips with the fact that she was never coming out. But Nate refused to feel the same (which is easy when you aren't the one pregnant) and he took me to the gym to walk and walk and walk some more. By week 38, he even fed me a small dose of castor oil. So supportive :) I thought for sure the castor oil would put me into active labor and keep all of my irritating contractions closer together, but a night of hard contractions and stomach cramps later- she was still cozy inside of me. During week 38 Nate and I also both got hit hard with a 24 hour flu virus. We were both miserable with fevers, throwing up, and sucked dry of all energy. Carter spent that day watching movies. This bug made me think I would be in labor in no time since I could not even keep water inside of me. But all of my contractions lasted 3 minutes apart for a few hours and then slowed down to 4-6 minutes apart. Frustration. I'm not sure Nate had ever had to deal with this version of me thus far in our marriage so he was truly a champ. As you can see, "early labor" is aka the phase of eternity.
3 days shy of 39 weeks, I went in for my appointment and expected nothing of course. I was SO surprised when my midwife told me I was dilated to a 4 almost 5 and fully effaced and that any day, hour, or minute she'd expect to see me at the birthing center! This was on March 28th. On Easter Sunday, the 31st, I went to church per our usual routine and came home very uncomfortable and restless. Around 1pm I noticed my contractions were every 3 minutes. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to excite Nathan for no reason, but around 5pm when they hadn't changed and were coming some even 2 minutes apart I decided that this was probably the real thing. I was out of breath and stopping to breathe through a contraction now and again, but determined to stay on my feet and help speed things along. Around 7pm things, contractions still 2-3 minutes, I told Nate we should go to the birthing center. We put Carter to bed and left him home with my sister and by 8pm we arrived at the birthing center. My midwife let me know that I was dilated to a 6 and fully effaced so I was admitted and started my journey into active labor. I walked for four hours straight. Pacing the halls with Nate, trying to get things to pick up even more, but everything stayed the same. I used birthing balls, gravity, and all I could to get my contractions closer together but was getting exceptionally frustrated when I noticed them starting to slow down again!! I was dilated to a 6! When my midwife came back after those 4 long hours to check my progress again, I told her I was ready to have a little assistance-so she broke my water. I had not initially wanted my water broken unless it happened on it's own, but when you live in early labor as long as I did, only 4 centimeters from delivery, I was ready to move on. One contraction after my water had broke, I knew it was definitely game on. That one contraction was very different from all of the ones prior and it really took some deep breathing and true concentration. I knew at that moment I needed to relax and make myself as comfortable as possible, so I asked if I could use their jacuzzi tub to relax in for a bit. As I waited for the tub to fill up, I listened to my relaxation cd with the lights dim, trying to remember how easy it was to fall asleep when I listened to this so many nights at home while I was pregnant. But rather than sleeping, it took a lot of focus to simply keep relaxed and limp and let my body do what it needed to do. You learn in hypnobirthing how important it is to keep every muscle relaxed, the muscles in your face, neck, shoulders, arms, hands, all the way down to your toes. So as I breathed through contractions this was my central focus, and it became a challenge to keep telling my body to be still and quiet as my contractions grew in intensity.
By the time I got to the jacuzzi things had really picked up. The warm water seemed to help for awhile until I thought I would die of heat and we had to use some cool water to help try and balance things out. Since at Emerson they don't allow you to give birth in their tubs (which was fine with me :) after 30-40 minutes I told Nate that if I wasn't going to birth in the water then I needed to move back to the room stat. Things got a lot trickier at that point. You feel like the water will be the most comfortable place to be, but when you are so NOT comfortable in the water, all of a sudden my body told me it didn't want to be anywhere! haha that it just wanted to be done or somehow escape! Keeping calm and limp and relaxed became even more challenging, and a mental battle. One side of my brain wanting to panic and the other part confidently pushing those thoughts to the side. I made my way from the jacuzzi to our room, having to stop and grab hold of Nate frequently to make it through each contraction successfully while standing. When we made it back to the room, my midwife and nurse stood quietly to the side and let Nathan talk to me and help me through what may have been the most difficult moments of my life. He was the most fabulous coach and the only person who I wanted to hear. I couldn't believe how silent the midwife was! It may as well have just been me and Nathan alone in that room. He spoke so gently and calmly and was amazing, encouraging me and telling me what it was I was doing and what I was doing it for-that I was almost done and how grateful he was to me and how grateful our baby girl was for the easy birth I was offering her. I had prepared to give birth this way for 9 months, but I feel as though I could have never prepared enough until I just experienced it. I had seen so many videos of quiet mothers not making a sound, softly welcoming their child into the world, and that's how I always envisioned Clarissa's birth. But although I was a little more vocal than expected :) (nothing terribly drastic mind you!) I am truly grateful for the confidence that never left my mind that this could be accomplished. I did ask Nate once or twice why I had decided to birth this way, but he reminded me and that was that. I knew I wanted to accomplish this large goal!
From the time my water had been broken to the time baby Clarissa joined our family was about 3 hours. Unbelievable. The whole experience was phenomenal and entirely euphoric. About 16 hours of labor start to finish. She was obviously very content inside me the cute little stink. Clarissa Mae was born April 1st (little trickster) at 3:57am. I had labored all through the night and still could not sleep after the fact. I was so excited and amazed at what my little family had just accomplished! The feeling I'm sure cannot be surpassed. I have never loved Nate more in my life. Never loved Carter more for being tucked safe and sound asleep in his bed haha. Never loved Clarissa more for finally coming out!! And letting me see her sweet face and kiss it to no end! And never loved myself more, for following through, even when I thought it was unbearable. For not giving in to what I had wanted from the beginning, and for developing a stronger relationship with my Father in Heaven. I felt very strong after the fact. Was able to get up and walk around, and make things really easy for my nurses since I didn't need their help with much. My recovery has been amazing and no strong medications were necessary after the fact either. Just ibuprofen here or there which amazed me! Since after Carter, my recovery was slow and really difficult. I had energy and felt self-sufficient enough that we left the hospital a day early to come home and be with our family. Even still a week later I am impressed with how quickly my body is recovered and how life just goes on as normal. Sometimes I have to remind myself- "HELLO! You just had a baby! Don't you remember?" But sometimes I forget it has only been one week and I feel amazing. Probably my number one reason for birthing naturally again in the future. The day after Clarissa was born, my sister Karlie was asking me how it went and "would you do it naturally again?". I had to be honest in my response, so I told her I wasn't sure if I would do it again. It was very difficult. But as the moments and days pass, I become more and more convinced I should do it this way every time!
My baby girl is an angel. Babies are such an incredible gift and a blessing that I will never take for granted again. Building a family with the man I love most has been such a ride already, but so exciting to see our little family grow and look into each others eyes with more love by the day. We are so happy to be parents and could never imagine our lives any differently than they are right now! I have found that I have moments in time when I would look at Nate or Carter and want to die of a broken heart at the thought of not being with them. And at 2 days old, I sat on the couch snuggling my little baby girl and felt that pang in my heart so strongly again, reminding me how blessed I am and how my heart would ache without her. Families are the most important thing in the world, and I count my blessings each time I look at mine! Truly one of the most rewarding days of my whole life. See for yourself :)
Because during active labor, modesty was the last thing on my mind....we will cut to the chase and show pictures of the cute little nugget. I look dreadful :) Keep in mind that at 9 months pregnant I was SO swollen with water I may as well have been a blimp!
Thankfully I only had the pole while I got some antibiotics. Otherwise things may have gotten outta hand..
Water broken.....focus, focus, focus.
Although my heart is filled with joy it took me a second to gather myself together. This may be considered my, "what?? I did it??" face. My hair is wet from the jacuzzi, but let's be real. I have never sweat so much in my life! :)
Clarissa Mae- 7lbs 2 oz 20 inches long. Beautiful and perfect.
Clarissa had plenty to say upon her arrival :) Very talkative, but already so sweet as could be!
I love my cute kids!
She has the sweetest little feet!
My man and support through it all! The one and only :)
My darling niece Ainsley was so cute with Clarissa and did not want to give her up to anyone!
Kiss me that face!
Welcome home sweet baby!!
